Dating as if trust mattered
"There is too little courtship in the world."
– Vernon Lee
The modern blueprint for how you’re expected to go about developing a close relationship goes something like this:
Step 1. Spot someone you like, give them a wink or a smile - or if you’re bold enough, walk on over to them (or the online equivalent of this)
Step 2. End up in one or the other’s bedroom by date three at the latest (the argument being, how else would you know if they’re any good in bed?)
Past this point, you’re on your own. Collective wisdom shrugs its shoulders, turns on its heel and saunters off.
If things don’t work out with your latest squeeze, try again.
If we treated building bridges in this manner, thinking no further ahead than the placing of the first stone, I wonder how many would still be standing.
Is it any wonder that so many relationships are no longer standing?
What’s wrong with the recipe for romance summed up above?
You might be already familiar with some of its disadvantages. The one I consider the worst culprit may surprise you: this recipe for romance goes counter to how trust works.
Try seeing the scenario from trust’s point of view.
There is a stranger in your bedroom, i.e. the innermost sanctum of your personal world.
Opportunities for this person to have earned enough trust to be granted access to this most privileged position have been scant: you’ve only known them for five minutes, in relationship terms.
You’ve got a stark choice here. You can attempt to override and ignore trust, try to twist its arm so you can still feel some sort of intimacy with this stranger. Or you can let trust’s demands prevail, and push the stranger out.
Neither of these will serve as a favourable foundation for the relationship to blossom.
We should rather wonder at how many relationships survive this approach, like seeds landing in inhospitable soil.
What’s possibly worse is that fighting your own trust settings ties you up in knots and erodes your confidence in your own judgement.
What’s the alternative?
This depends on your desired destination, of course. What I’m saying here is only relevant if your aim is to develop something lasting.
Before you read my suggestion, what would you recommend?
My conclusion is that we need a modern version of courtship.
This would let trust develop at its natural pace. You wouldn’t have to override all of the psychological protection mechanisms installed by nature and experience.
You could allow the person to enter into your world slowly, one step at a time. And you’d only upgrade their trust rating if how they showed up on this round makes it an attractive proposition to let them closer in.
My final point today is that this approach brings a secret gift. It honours how building trust between people works, yes. But it also boosts your sense of trust in yourself. It upholds your dignity. And that is priceless.
What’s your experience with dating?
What’s the most puzzling or frustrating bit?
Not sure what comes next?
Sometimes the first step is just saying this matters.
A Nesting Call is a gentle conversation to meet you where you are — no fixing, no rushing, just deep listening and space to notice what wants to unfold.
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